It's January. It's cold. It's been cold and will continue to be cold. No one needs to tell you that it's cold and I'm sure you've heard from every meteorologist about ways to stay warm during these frigid days. Dress in layers, limit skin exposure yada yada yada, blah blah blah. When gortex gloves and heat packs just aren't getting the job done, it's time to use unconventional methods to stay warm. Here are 18 extremely effective techniques for staying warm during winter.
- Gain 50 lbs of winter weight for extra insulation.
- Stop shaving your legs, beard, or anywhere else you can think of and grow a winter coat of fur.
- Hibernate... In other words, become a bear.
- Cut open the belly of a Tauntaun with a light saber and sleep in its belly like Luke Skywalker.
- Cut open a horse carcass and sleep in its belly like Hugh Glass (Leonardo DiCaprio) in The Revenant.
- Construct a body suit made out of hand warming heat packs.
- When your spouse goes to the bathroom, steal their warm spot on the couch or bed.
- Then let them warm up the toilet seat before you.
- Before leaving the house, throw your clothes into the dryer so they are nice and toasty.
- Don't have a heated garage or automatic start? Call an Uber.
- Become a UMD student and never leave the underground tunnels.
- Move to Minneapolis and never leave the skyway.
- Build a sauna in your home.
- Get a wagon, a generator, and a space heater that you can pull around everywhere you go.
- Don't go outside.
- Intentionally run a fever so your body temp offsets the freezing cold.
- Live in the Como Zoo Conservatory.
- Move to Florida.
Hope this list helps you stay warm this winter. If not, don't worry because spring is just a few months away. If you're in need of snow shoveling help, check out our Extremely Important List of Shoveling Techniques.